I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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