Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
