the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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