He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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