Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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