I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
