I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize