You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
They have beer where we have blood.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
