i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
