I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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