This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Randomize
