remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
it's like iHOP with fire
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
