Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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