I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
