The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She's the barista slut.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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