LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
