the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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