I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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