he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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