genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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