hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize