The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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