yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
