Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
