He told me they were just razor bumps!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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