dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
