while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
