On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
