I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
