dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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