Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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