we're chasing vodka with high fives
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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