What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
