last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
