Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
