I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize