I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I am one with the molecules
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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