I love black thongs
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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