I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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