you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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