guys are only as good as the porn they watch
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
