so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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