Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize