i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
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