...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
