another moral hangover. fuck.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
