My hand turned me down
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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