I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
