I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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