Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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