She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
