Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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