$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
