I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
