I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
