Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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