OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
