I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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